SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense