Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.