Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.