Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

mmm onion ringos

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit