Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The glory of fall.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this