Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

Breaking news:

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

Fights fire with marshmallows

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment