Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.