Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Body by sandwich.

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?