Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

My birthstone is kidney

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???