Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
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I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Alexa turn off the planet
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
my fav colour is also hitler
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”