Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

they should create new variants of dopamine

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it