Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover