SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
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‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.