SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
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[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”