SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
You Might Also Like
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.