@Johngcole

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

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@HenpeckedHal

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

@hermanntrude

Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head

Step 1: memorise the following:

1³=1
2³=8
3³=27
4³=64
5³=125
6³=216
7³=343
8³=512
9³=729

Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer

@fro_vo

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

@imskytrash

LOL: laughing out loud
SMH: shaking my head
LMAKNIWNFYSP: leave me alone kyle no i will not follow your SoundCloud page

@PinkCamoTO

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

@ginadivittorio

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

@Goddamnit_Jason

Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”

@thejoelstein

4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”