The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
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Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head
Step 1: memorise the following:
Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
LOL: laughing out loud
SMH: shaking my head
LMAKNIWNFYSP: leave me alone kyle no i will not follow your SoundCloud page
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”
4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”