Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
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Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
She was REALLY feeling it.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok