Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
You Might Also Like
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
one last job
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to