Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
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friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad