Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
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Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Tell me
– U should know
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
No thanks, I went pro years ago.
DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful
ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come