Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

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Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid


Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.


Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!


What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

*drops mic*

*deletes account*


1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know


Recreational drugs?

No thanks, I went pro years ago.


DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come