Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I get a job writing these texts

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying