Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”