Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

Facebook marketplace is a different world

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”