Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”