Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is