Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.