scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
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Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.