Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
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Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat