Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

I march to the beat of my own dumb

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

Food gives you energy to nap more.

This will never not be funny 😭

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.