Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I used the label maker
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN