Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

Life is a suicide mission.

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

it is time once again

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same