Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”