scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
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He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong