Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

i was baptized in a car wash

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it