Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
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when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.