Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
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there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
#parenting
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
me
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?