Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
You Might Also Like
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
When I laugh on my period
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Seems a bit forward
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.