Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
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Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
sweet dreams💖
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.