Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

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infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”