Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Selfie

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.