@okimstillhungry

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

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@Eden_Eats

Hey men, don’t be fooled by maxipad commercials.

Ladies aren’t really full of blue windshield washer fluid.

@nsterdan

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

@PhoenixRises69

iPhone 5s fitted with fingerprint recognition.

I’ll sleep easier knowing that if my phone gets stolen, they’ll likely chop off my hand too.

@david8hughes

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

@noog

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

@mstluvstrinkets

The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.

@CornOnTheGoblin

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

@AnniemuMary

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.