Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 馃檪
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
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Remember when we didn鈥檛 let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I鈥檓 one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
BOUNCER: I鈥檓 sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I鈥檓 sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn鈥檛 he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don鈥檛 worry, we鈥檙e gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Can鈥檛 wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I鈥檓 taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I鈥檓 too scared to ask.
I don鈥檛 know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I鈥檝e paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.