Hey men, don’t be fooled by maxipad commercials.
Ladies aren’t really full of blue windshield washer fluid.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
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True embarrassment lies within your first email address
iPhone 5s fitted with fingerprint recognition.
I’ll sleep easier knowing that if my phone gets stolen, they’ll likely chop off my hand too.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.