I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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One venti cheeseburger please.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”