Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
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menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
me watching my own Instagram story
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.