Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
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Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.