Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk