Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
You Might Also Like
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”