Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.