Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.