Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

what the

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!