Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
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A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter