if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
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Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.