Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
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To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”