Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

Important

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.