Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

me before I type out affect or effect

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.