Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

Hard not to take this personally

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.