Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.