Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
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“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.