Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
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How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.