Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
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When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Jesus Christ lmao
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain