Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
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Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
If your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?