Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

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If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.


kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl


mugger: give me your money

me: what service do u provide

mugger: i uh..hmm. i mug

me: how much do u charge

mugger: …all. all ur money

me: be honest with yourself.

mugger: $10.


mugger: $7?

me: deal


[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”


ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense


*At my future wedding* “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband”

Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate


“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.


“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games


I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.


1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us