Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
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Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
SF is the wild wild west man
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Bro what is this
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I’m giving up for Lent.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol