Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat