Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

Gods work.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*