Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.