Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
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Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed