Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
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Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
hackers play passwordle