Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

This kinda thing happens to me often

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.