Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
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I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Yup!
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
OH. COME. ON.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle