Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
You Might Also Like
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Thoughts
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”